God I hate theatre sometimes. I just hate it. I mean it's such hard work. You can't just wander in and sit and stuff happens at you, you have to be engaged. You have to listen. And look. Looking is the worst. You have to decide where to look. Because, it's not as if there's a camera or anything to tell you where you're supposed to look. Awful.
And then there's the sitting down. All that sitting down. And the seats are never as comfy as in a cinema. Never. Even if they are, all that attention you're giving to those people doing stuff makes you tense up a bit so you never get comfy. And seriously, isn't that what seats are for?
But it could be worse, you could be standing. Standing! For hours. Watching people, doing stuff. With all these other people, standing. And that's just awful. I can stand at home. For free.
And then there's the plays. I mean, who goes to see plays? We've got YouTube now and that's so much easier to get on your phone. Cos you can watch a cat do something cute at anytime you like on a tiny screen and that's so much better than seeing an actual event through all your senses.
Or dance? I mean, what's all that about? All that dancing and moving - and the floors squeaking. Cos they do.
And opera, with all the singing and the singing and they're all fatties anyway, singing in their fat way.
God I hate theatre.
Except when it's brilliant. Then it's okay.
I mean, sometimes it's really exciting and stuff.
Someone sings or gets stabbed and you just didn't see that coming.
Or you watch a Shakespeare and it wasn't really, really boring, like at school. Probably cos it's not at school.
Or when it goes all dark before the show starts and then it starts.
Or when you forget that your bum aches or your feet hurt or the price of the ticket and you cry and you go out into the night after the show thinking and happy or happy and sad or just different. Actually a slightly different person.
Or something similar.
Then it's okay. It can stay.