The Project After - New Audio Version

I've finally finished editing and producing the last audio version of Fantasy Terrorist plays, The Project After.  The previous two plays were online the other year, but the last has taken longer, partly because I wanted to get the original cast together, but also because there was another version online and that took any sense of urgency out of the equation.
I am now working on creating a whole new sequence of works that will play around the world of the War on Terror, so finishing this trilogy seemed important.  Each play can be listened to separately, or together, they exist on their own, but there are little links between each.  Ideally start with Fantasy Terrorist League, then Keynote Speaker and then The Project After acts as a little coda.
Thanks to the original cast, Keith Hill and Simon Nader, for recording this on location one very windy day this spring.

The Project After by Robert Crighton
With Keith Hill as Mark and Simon Nader as Art

Fantasy Terrorist League - written and performed by Robert Crighton


Keynote Speaker - written by Robert Crighton
With Simon Nader as Sir John Spencer


The Project After - by Robert Crighton
Alternative version by Frequency Theatre (External Link) - http://www.frequencytheatre.co.uk/play/the-project-after/

A Little Learning - by Robert Crighton

Final Summoning

It's been nearly five years in the making, but at last I'm bringing my much acclaimed version of The Summoning of Everyman to London.  I had a go with a one off a few years ago, but it didn't come off.  This time I'm doing a short run and I've got a new bonus feature for the show - after Everyman, and a short interval, we're doing a reconstruction of a lost play Dux Moraud.  Or Duke Moraud - another morality play, but one that is somewhat more... insane.  Or it will be by the time we finish with it.  The Duke will be played by my good friend Mr Simon Nader, whilst I will fill in the gaps of the rest of the story.  It's going to be a great show.  More details to follow soon...

Milk Bottle Productions Presents...

The Summoning of Everyman

Adapted and performed by Robert Crighton with Simon Nader

Everyman has been summoned by Death to meet his maker - and he doesn't want to go.  This interactive performance brings his struggle directly to the audience, asking them to become part of the story, to stand in the footsteps of Fellowship, Good Deeds and even Death himself.  Will you help Everyman make his peace?

Previous audiences have said of the show:  “A one man tour de force... gripped from start to finish... a mix of pathos and humour all done with a light touch... a real privilege and honour being there... having volunteered, with no acting experience whatsoever, was guided expertly throughout by Robert... an hour very well spent...  I’ve come to see it again!  What more do I need to say?  In awe of the intensity!”

The Bread and Roses Theatre, Clapham

Tuesday 8th to Saturday 12th August at 7.30pm

Tickets available here - www.breadandrosestheatre.co.uk/everyman

Teaching Gods now available for free!

Hello All,
I've been bogged down by a glut of recording.  I am drowning in audio.  There's so much, it just needs ordering.  In the meantime, here's a re-edited version of the award-winning Teaching Gods, released for download a few years ago and now released for free to all you wonderful people.
Enjoy.  There's more coming soon.


My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

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The Time Machine - Photos from Beyond Time

I've been stupidly busy, so have neglected you. I've been recording lots of audio (and failed to edit it) and been making this show happen.  Here are some unedited photos from the dress rehearsal of The Time Machine - still on for another two shows. There's also a trailer video at the bottom.  Enjoy.

From left to right - Maxine Derrick, Matt Byham, Mark Scanlon,
Kevin Roychowdhury, Tom Eddington & Richard Fawcett

It's Coming... One Day

I've been wrestling with the audio recording of Cuckold's Fair for a couple of weeks now.  I've re-jigged the studio, reprinted the script, spent hours recording and a fair amount of time on a first edit - and this evening it hit me.
It doesn't work.
Or, more specifically, it doesn't work for a solo voice.
The show is fairly dark, the tone fairly wry, and when it was first performed by a company of seven with movement and multiple voices, it worked.
But when there is only one voice, it doesn't work.
I have failed.  (Hangs head in shame and mutters...)
So, once again, the audio version of the show will have to be shelved, this time put to one side till I have the resources to hire six or seven other people.
And this is why I shouldn't announce future recordings except when they're done.
But there will be new audio - when the next Live from the Get In! broadcasts in a couple of weeks and then there will be two full length audio things to follow in March.  March will be big.
Promise x

LIVE FROM THE GET IN!  

Written by Robert Crighton

Performed by Abbie Broom, Heidi Bernhard-Bubb, Robert Crighton & Michael Fouldes.  And maybe some special guests.

Live from... is a radio comedy and sketch show – live from in front of the set of whichever show is getting in the following week at the Quay Theatre.  New material, sketches and monologues streamed live online.  And the live stream can be heard on the night here -

www.ustream.tv/channel/robert-crighton-storyteller

Two shows lined up Saturday 4^th March and Saturday 6th May at 7.30pm

Tickets £6 - www.quaysudbury.com

And you can catch up with the last two episodes by listening here.


My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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The Time Machine - sets and ideas

The Time Machine is coming up in about seven weeks.  Or, if you ascribe to the block theory of the universe, it's happening now, has happened, has always happened.  I'm currently running with the view that if the show goes up in April then I'll start rehearsals in September and write it next year.  This joke has always existed.
At the moment we're still in pre-production, the script changes every day, new sounds and new ideas are being tested.  The other evening the marvellous Harold Spengler, who isn't in the show but was available to lend a hand, pointed out something that could have destroyed the whole evening.
To quote: "How could you not notice this?"
Basically, and I don't want to go into too much detail, Herbert Wells wrote something in the original book that sounds really silly when said out loud.  Once you notice how silly it is, the show would be ruined.  It is the kind of double entendre that I normally leap on.  Hence the italics on you.
Science fiction is heaped with silly words, and there's only so much I or the cast can do to change it, but we are going to massage the problem and hope it goes away.  See, a semi entendre there.
This week I promised my cast the draft script, but the cast has just increased in size, so they're going to have to wait until tomorrow.  This is sort of annoying - far everyone else rather than me - but more people in a cast is the kind of problem I can live with.  It means I can now do some really clever bits of action and make the whole thing move more fluidly.  Huzzah!
More rehearsal shots and maybe some video will be coming soon - but for the moment above there are some of the ideas for the set.  Tomorrow I'm meeting to discuss what it'll actually look like - so more on that soon!

And you'll find out more about the show if you watch it - by booking your tickets now.

Quay Productions Presents...

The Time Machine

By H.G. Wells

Adapted and Directed by Robert Crighton

Far in the future, the human race has become something different – a peaceful species, who live in simple harmony with the planet.  But beneath the surface there is a terrifying secret – one that is uncovered by a traveller from the distant past.  Before there was Doctor Who, there was the Time Machine – this is a brand new adaptation of the first true science fiction story, where the past and the future meet with dramatic results. 

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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How Rude?

I'm in the process of recording Cuckold's Fair - it's the longest audio I've done in one block since a very rushed version of The Natural History of Trolls that I recorded in 2013.  In the mundane world of practical things it means I'm rejigging my recording set up so that it's less actively uncomfortable, but in the artistic sphere it raises another issue.
Cuckold's Fair is very rude.  Deliberately.  It uses naughty words.
In a theatre this is fine, because you pay your money and you take your chances - but for something that goes out online... where filters are a little less... active... what is the right thing to do?

How rude do I make the online version?

I will almost certainly create a paywall version that will be as rude as I like - and let's be fair, it's only actively obscene once - but how do I deal with the text?  Do I rewrite?  Do I bleep/fadeout/add birdsong?  That might be even weirder.
What do you think internet?

In the meantime, here's the latest audio - a short little story from 2011.  There maybe a short out next week to bridge the gap before the epic Cuckold week, but I won't promise that.

Countdown to the Other Side - available on YouTube or on this player.


Cuckold's Fair will be released daily from 13th to 18th February online, earlier for my patrons.

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

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The Valentine Day Special

From 2010

Valentine's Day - a time to remind couples around the world that their partners might be cheating on them.  That's correct isn't it?
In 2010 I staged Cuckold's Fair on the London Fringe and it was one of my favourite shows.  I've often meant to revive it (you never know) and it's been on the list of shows to record for online release for years.  Now, at last, after several false starts, it's going to happen.  Here's the schedule.

If you're a patron you will receive the full omnibus edition the first week of February, because I couldn't do this work without you.
If you're not... well, you will get it the following week in daily installments - as the story is told over six days, I'll release it one day at a time over Valentine's week.  Which is seven years to the week since the show was first performed.
At this stage, it won't be a full cast recording.  One day, if revived, I might do a new full cast audio version.  But that's for the future.

Here's a brief excerpt of the piece recorded, very roughly, a lifetime ago...



And finally: if you're a patron you'll already have the patron only link to Countdown to the Other Side - enjoy - the rest of the world will get it next week.  It's rather fun, especially if you have a really good working knowledge of the history of Countdown presenters.

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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Live from the Get In - March

It's only a month and a bit before the next Live from the Get In! and the tickets are on sale.  It's going to be a bit different to the last two shows in that there will be two halves, and the first half will be a little shorter than before.  So, we're still aiming for an hour of comedy - and then some - just it'll be spread out over two halves.  The first half will be a show much like the previous two, a tumbling arrangement of comedy material with myself and the core group, and we're aiming for a run time of forty-five minutes which will be live streamed.  The second half will be more a mix of curated material from other performers, and a comic monologue from me.  This will be recorded but not streamed and released at a later date, first to my patrons who help make all this happen, and then to the world.
Why the change in format?  Well, I've found in the last two shows, the shorter sketches and some of the monologues didn't fit into the overall pattern of the show very well.  Whilst all the material worked, it didn't always want to stand next to each other.  Also, when edited in post production, the shows were drifting to 45 minutes naturally, the hour format being just a little too long and some padding was creeping in.  I'd rather record a tight show than edit one down - you get more and better laughs.  It also means the second half can be for material that wouldn't fit anywhere, encouraging more randomness and new voices to get involved.
And if you happen to be a new voice - then get in touch - I'm on twitter @RobertCrighton

LIVE FROM THE GET IN!  

Written by Robert Crighton

Performed by Abbie Broom, Heidi Bernhard-Bubb, Robert Crighton & Michael Fouldes.  And maybe some special guests.

Live from... is a radio comedy and sketch show – live from in front of the set of whichever show is getting in the following week at the Quay Theatre.  New material, sketches and monologues streamed live online.  And the live stream can be heard on the night here -

www.ustream.tv/channel/robert-crighton-storyteller

Two shows lined up Saturday 4^th March and Saturday 6th May at 7.30pm

Tickets £6 - www.quaysudbury.com

And you can catch up with the last two episodes by listening here.


My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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Problem Tree is Out Now!

And finally, Problem Tree is released to everyone. Special thanks to all my patrons for making this audio happen.

Problem Tree

Written & Performed by Robert Crighton

Problem Tree is the impossible story of one man’s father and a tree that can’t exist. A story of the First World War, of running away from your past and hiding in the future. 

First performed in 2009, this story has undergone many changes and minor rewrites, but it's now time for it to come out on audio.

Watch on YouTube here
Or listen now on this player.

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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Additional New Old Audio - Countdown

I posted a relatively extensive list of future audio posts, but I've missed some possibles out as my schedule expands or contracts - so here's an unplanned audio for next week.  I haven't performed it in ages and had, largely, forgotten about it - so I'm going to record a final version tomorrow for release to my patrons next week.  It will go on general release eventually.

Countdown to the Other Side
Written & Performed by Robert Crighton

A short story, first performed as part of Ghost Storyteller in 2011, telling of the slow fading of a poltergeist and its daily routine.

Release for Patrons - 25th January
General Release TBA

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help - you get to listen to my new work before anyone else.

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You Can't Trust Trees

Testing set up for Problem Tree (2013)

I've written about Problem Tree before, I'm sure.  It's been in the repertoire since 2009 when I wrote the first version for a random storytelling event.  It's a story within a story, a format that I'm very fond of, where the storyteller and the story they tell feed off each other.

The most satisfying version of the story (so far) was a one-to-one version I did in 2013.  I built a little room within a room, a little newspaper cave (the early test design you can see half built in the pictures), and connected the audient with headphones, so that, whilst we were but a couple of feet away from each other, the story was related via a microphone, with additional sound effects.

Let me tell you a story...

I really loved the contradiction of it - that we were so close and yet also quite far removed from each other - separated and intimately joined together by technology.  The audients really enjoyed the story and I think it also brought out the best in it.  Before 2013 the story was told in a conversational but quite an open way, this was more intimate and warm.

In recording it for audio I tried to make it intimate, as if I'm talking only to you, as though it's a secret that I'm only telling one person.
And if you're one of my patrons you can hear it now!  My patrons help make all my work possible, so they get first dibs in new audio work as it comes out.  If you want to help me make new stuff then join up below.  And if you want to find out some of the other audios currently planned, go to this blog post.

Problem Tree

Written & Performed by Robert Crighton

Problem Tree is the impossible story of one man’s father and a tree that can’t exist. A story of the First World War, of running away from your past and hiding in the future. 

First performed in 2009, this story has undergone many changes and minor rewrites, but it's now time for it to come out on audio.  

Release Date: Wednesday 18th January for my patrons 

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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First Day Investigating

Today we've started to record Investigate Me? a new audio drama coming... when it's ready.  It's only loosely got a script - at the moment - and is being recorded largely on location.  Today was the first chance for our protagonist (as played by Sonia Lindsey-Scripps) and the antagonist (the redoubtable Peter Drew) got together to work on a number of scenes that are semi scripted.  Over the next few months we're going to meet up and rework these scenes, add more and newer ones and add additional characters.  It's been a mix of sitting in the warm drinking coffee, and wandering around in the cold next to a B road.
What is it about?  It's a sort of detective story, though the case she's investigating is not particularly normal.  It all hinges on why a Mr Sedge wishes to be investigated by the police.  And that's all I can say at the moment.

It's all really exciting, and I can't wait to see where it goes next.

We also recorded something very silly, which I hope to release soon.

Investigate Me?
Written by Robert Crighton
Cast: Sonia Lindsey-Scripps and Peter Drew
Additional Cast: TBA

'Why aren't you investigating me?'  A twisted version of a police drama, where a member of the public insists on being investigated for possible criminal acts.  The young DC doesn't want to be wasting her time with him, but even her superiors insist on an investigation.  Surreal drama.
Release Date:  TBA

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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New New Audio for 2017

I've already posted about some of the old shows I'm recording this coming year, now for the exciting stuff, the new work.  The new new work, not new recordings of old work.

New Works: Spanking New Drama & Comedy for 2017

LIVE FROM THE GET IN!  

Written by Robert Crighton

Performed by Abbie Broom, Heidi Bernhard-Bubb, Robert Crighton & Michael Fouldes.  And maybe some special guests.

Live from... is a radio comedy and sketch show – live from in front of the set of whichever show is getting in the following week at the Quay Theatre.  New material, sketches and monologues streamed live online.  

The UN Special Representative
Written & Performed by Robert Crighton

Mr BEEP BEEP is having a trying day.  He was awoken at three in the morning by a team of 'experts' from the UN, because an event on the other side of the world threatens to change his life forever.  However, the letters U and N do not stand for the United Nations, and his crisis is more existential than actual.

I've been toying with this idea for a story for years and am finally ready to finish it.  I don't know whether I will record this in the studio or in front of an audience, it depends what sorry of funny it ends up being.
Release Date: TBA

Prevent
Written by Robert Crighton
Cast: TBA

A follow up play to the award-winning Fantasy Terrorist League, Prevent tells the story of a young man trapped in a flawed system that criminalises thought, and where the gap between real and perceived threats is not acknowledged.
Release Date: TBA

Investigate Me?
Written by Robert Crighton

'Why aren't you investigating me?'  A twisted version of a police drama, where a member of the public insists on being investigated for possible criminal acts.  The young DC doesn't want to be wasting her time with him, but even her superiors insist on an investigation.  Surreal drama.
Release Date:  TBA

Commentary
Written by Robert Crighton
Cast: TBA

A new play about the different interpretations of the making of a film, as made during an audio commentary for a DVD release.

Release Date:  TBA

Bink! is released

Bink!
Written by Robert Crighton
Performed by Cat LaCohie

Molly was left alone a lot. Her parents were always out. So she started talking to herself, to the furniture, to the house. And then the house answered back.
A children’s story... just not for children.

First Performed on Tuesday 13th January 2009 at the Tabard Theatre.

Release Date: Friday 13th January - listen on audioboom or YouTube

Audioboom...


Or YouTube


The next release is next week!  Problem Tree will be released on Wednesday 18th January - catch all new releases early by becoming a patron. Rewards for patrons include early release of material, before the rest of the world.  Go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton to support new work.

Problem Tree

Written & Performed by Robert Crighton

Problem Tree is the impossible story of one man’s father and a tree that can’t exist. A story of the First World War, of running away from your past and hiding in the future. 

First performed in 2009, this story has undergone many changes and minor rewrites, but it's now time for it to come out on audio.  

Release Date: Wednesday 18th January, earlier for patrons.

Bink! Remastered

So, eight years ago, almost to the day, an audience of unsuspecting... people (we'll call them people, it was the London Fringe and you can never tell) watched and listened to a world premiere - Bink! - part of Teaching Gods and Other Stories at the Tabard Theatre and performed by the marvellous Catherine Eccles.  Since that show Catherine Eccles has been brutally slaughtered, her bloody carcass only returning to life following a drastic Americanoscopy, which saw her reborn in LA as the (admittedly equally) marvellous Cat LaCohie.

Catherine before the recording.

Before she was cruelly taken away from us by fate and a work visa, she recorded Bink! which was made available for download.

Cat, after the surgery.

But now, for a limited time only, Bink! will be released for free for all to hear.  Before that could happen, I needed to remaster the original recording.
Seriously? I hear you cry.  (I hear your voices in my head, that's normal.)  Seriously, you cry, it's someone reading a story, what needs to be remastered.
Well, I made a mistake in the original release.  It's a small one, but it annoys me everything I've heard it since.  I gave the wrong instruction to the editor and... well...
An M is missing.
At the very top of the story Cat says: "Molly..." and the M is missing.  It comes out as "Olly..." So, I have gone back to the master tapes (yeah right, like it's on tape) and have carefully edited back this missing M.
It's this delayed-by-four-years attention to detail that has got me where I am today.

Bink!
Written by Robert Crighton
Performed by Cat LaCohie
Molly was left alone a lot. Her parents were always out. So she started talking to herself, to the furniture, to the house. And then the house answered back.
A children’s story... just not for children.

Bink! is released on Friday 13th January.

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton 

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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The Obligatory New Year Message 2017

It's been a busy 2016 - I launched myself on Patreon and started to seriously move in a more organised way online in audio terms.  I popped into London to see how the fringe has changed (not a lot) and (as per usual) lost all my money.

I've also been focusing on archiving and updating - soon the Milk Bottle website will be all up to date with huge amounts of info on past shows as well as acting as a proper delivery system for new and old audio.  There's already a fair amount up, more coming throughout January.  Thanks to Keith for all his hard work on making the website look so good and hold so much.

So, what projects are on their way?  Well, I've been aside a lot of time the next month or so to record versions of my older monologues - so these will start coming out soon.  But the next exciting audio project is Investigate Me? which I've promised for about a year to produce.  It's going to be a huge full length radio play and I'm really exciting about it.  More very soon.

Live from the Get In! returns in March and I've lots of ideas for the next two shows.  I'm really pushing the boat out for them and hoping to have some great new talent on board as well as the regulars.
I'm directing The Time Machine in April.  It's going to look amazing and be a real departure from some of my usual work.  I'll be writing in detail about what the show is going to be like in the next month or so, but, trust me, book those tickets NOW.  There are only three shows happening and it's going to be amazing.  Book those tickets at www.quaysudbury.com

And I'm also directing As You Like It by William Shakespeare for Lavenham Players in July - tickets will be on sale soon.  We've a fabulous cast and I'm really looking forward to getting down and dirty with the text.

I'm also going to be announcing some dates for an occasional show I'm doing with Michael Fouldes - The Museum of Tat Roadshow - based on our radio show.  It'll pop up here and there over 2017.  Like a harmless but slightly annoying rash.

So, basically, 2017 is all about more recordings of old shows, more audio, and a few live bits and bobs.
And the huge secret project I can't tell you about.  There's that as well.

***

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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When is a joke not a joke?

When is a joke not a joke?
When it's from a Christmas cracker.
For our Christmas Special of The Museum of Tat we reviewed some Christmas crackers - if you haven't listened yet, skip below and listen before you read the following...

***

The Remains of the Day...

So, the crackers held four jokes in all - and they were not only not very good, some of them weren't really jokes.
Here's the first joke:
What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?  Santa Clues!

Right... it looks like a joke, it's structured like a joke, and if you don't hang around you might not notice that it isn't.
So, the joke looks like it's a simple bit of wordplay - it should end on a pun...

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?  Santa [Insert Pun Here]
Unfortunately, Clues doesn't rhyme with Claus.  I don't think alliteration is enough to provoke a laugh response.  It's a half joke, it's got the right idea, but doesn't actually deliver.

Next joke from the cracker:
What do you call a man who claps at Christmas? Santapplause!

Where to start... well, on the surface this looks like a better joke than the last, because it does contain a functioning pun, justifying the term joke when describing it.
However, dig just a little deeper and you immediately see the joke doesn't function properly.  You see it now?  Of course you do.  The joke is only funny if the man referred to in the joke is Santa, but the set up doesn't really push you in that direction.  Statistically speaking, a man clapping at Christmas is almost certainly not Santa for two reasons.
1. The population of the world is approximately 7.4 billion and the odds that one of those 7.4 billion, who identifies as 'a man', is going to be a specific person (Santa) is so improbable as to be practically impossible.
2.  Santa doesn't exist.
Beyond setting up the approximate timing of the event in question - clapping at Christmas time (somewhere between early December and early January potentially) - the joke doesn't give any clue, even half hidden, that the identified man would be so improbable (nay imaginary) a figure as Father Christmas.  It just refers to him as a man.  So when the punchline turns out to be a pun on Santa Claus, it delivers no punch, no satisfactory payoff.
Additionally, the answer makes no sense.  If you saw Santa Claus clapping, you'd be receiving Santapplause, but you wouldn't call him that.  So, perhaps it should read.

What do you get if Father Christmas is particularly pleased with you? Santapplause.
Not perfect, some additional context, say that you're an Elf in Santa's seasonal Pantomime at the North Pole, might help make the joke function better.
Though, it still isn't really very funny as it's just a basic pun.  There's only so much of a laugh response to be expected from basic joke structures.

Next cracker, next joke:
What do the reindeer sing to Father Christmas on his birthday?  Freeze a jolly good fellow!

This joke is the only one we recognised from a previous Christmas/Life and were happy to move on.  Yes, the manufactor lost points for so unoriginal a joke, at least it functioned, which was something of a relief.  Beyond the improbability of reindeer singing, especially when there are plenty of Elves available, it works well.

We therefore come to the issue of the final joke of the Christmas Cracker set.  Two jokes per cracker, unfortunately the same two joke slips were replicated throughout the set.  Epic fail.

Father Christmas wins a saucepan in a competition.  Now that's what you call pot luck!
The problem with the joke is simple - whilst it does work as a play on words [saucepan - pot luck etc] the connection to Christmas is tenuous in the extreme.  This is an example of a cut and shut joke.  As with cut and shut cars, where the front end of one car is welded to another, this joke has been bodged together by some cracker cowboys.  Who the original joke referred to we may never know, but it almost certainly wasn't Father Christmas.  As my colleague Mr Fouldes said on the show, in the character of Colin, it feels like something from a stand up comic's set performed in a working mans club in the 1970's.  The Mother-in-law won a saucepan in a competition the other day... [pause] Now, that's what I call pot luck.  Which reminds me, I'm next on the snooker table... 
Whilst I'm all for the occasional resurrection of an old joke, this bodged restoration of a not so classic gag has left me flat.
On top of all the other problems with the crackers in question, these jokes really were insult after injury.

The Museum of Tat Christmas Special can be heard below... Enjoy.


My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

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The Museum of Tat Christmas Special

The Museum of Tat Christmas Special has gone online - enjoy!


My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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Editing the Museum

Myself and Michael Fouldes...

I'm currently buried deep in the edit of The Museum of Tat Christmas Special.  We had lots of fun recording it, producing seventy minutes of content.
Those are always worrying words - "we had lots of fun" - usually the death of comedy.  Never trust any production where the cast had too much fun.
But why am I doing down my next show - well I'm not really.  The point is The Museum of Tat has always been a very wasteful process and a lot of the show comes out in the edit.  Seventy minutes of incredibly self indulgent wittering by Michael Fouldes and myself, will amount to about twenty minutes of comedy.  I'm currently on the second wave of the edit - the first wave I go through the material fairly quickly, cutting out the big chunks of unfunny/slanderous/sick material and maybe trimming the odd bit of breathing/coughing/urming as I go.  After that first wave I've got about thirty minutes of material.  It was easy to do.
Now I've got to get tough.  There are funny sections that will now get cut, because I'm shaping a show and some bits, funny in themselves, which no longer fit the grand scheme.  Then there are the structurally important bits that I can't cut but which might not be very funny in of themselves.  I have ways of inserting material into these sections for cheap laughs, but it's going to take hours to get a one or two minute section to be moderately amusing.
Unlike the Live from the Get In! shows, The Museum of Tat isn't scripted - it's almost entirely improvised and that creates a messiness to the recording that is also a bitch to cut up.  But it's worth it.  I'm really very fond of MoT, and I'm looking forward to creating a touring version next year.  That said, there is also a sense that there is also a limit now to how many more shows we can create.  We're moving from radio to live shows to shake it up and because in a different medium the jokes work differently, but the format has a limit and after two seasons and few one offs, we know the radio version has only a few more shows before we start repeating ourselves.
So 2017 maybe the last year for the Museum.  But there are always more adventures to come.

The complete series one and two of The Museum of Tat can be heard, for free, here.
Episodes of Live from the Get In! (featuring special live episodes of The Museum of Tat) can be heard, for free, here.

My work couldn't happen without the support of my patrons - if you think you could contribute to the work I create, go to www.patreon.com/robertcrighton and see if you can help.

Also, as there's a lot being planned at the moment, if you want to keep up to speed, why not join my mailing list.  I know, so last century. 

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